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View Full Version : My attempt at a 'short' story. A title, comments, and criticism greatly needed.


Van
January 14th, 2006, 11:04 AM
Rawr, I said I had some writing skillz so here we go!

I need: a title, comments, and criticism.

You guys mind helping?

~~~~~~~~~

Prologue: Amidst the Chaos and Sorrow

Armor, matted with blood and dust… Sword, heavy with fatigue and guilt… Still he stood, slightly shaking as the world continued its course, oblivious to his plight.

Disheveled, dark locks haphazardly shielded his youthful countenance, the figure breathed with ragged and subdued breaths. His cloak ripped, torn with the gouging of battle, the extent of the damage was so much that one could no longer make the emblem that emblazed the back. Sweat and dirt covering his body all over, obvious of fatigue, but unyielding, his presence stood.. For some reason though, his eyes, a shade of blue so unnatural that they seemed lavender, were misted over…The thrill of adrenaline still pumped through his steadfast form as the swordsman alighted with the cold reality.

This was war.

A brazened sound, quick as lightning and as loud as thunder sang through the air. Two blades interlocked against each other. Their masters both tried out-do the other, turning the scuffle into a contests of wills, rather than strength.

The young man, snapped out of his stupor, pushed with his might, gritting his teeth as he tried to throw off the older knight. Likewise, his opponent did the same, using what advantage he had in build to the utmost.

And like a classic stalemate, the two forced off, one gaining ground before losing it once in an almost interminable game of tug-of-war. So close was their strength that the veteran soldier spoke, “Boy, I’ve no desire to end your life here. Tell me, why is it you fight so hard?”

Almost as if his persona had shifted completely, the vague, almost listless expression of the youth brightened a small smile cresting as he replied, “For the future… Peace and prosperity are but mere dreams of our war shattered land. For this reason, is it so wrong to continue?”

No more words were exchanged as both nodded in understanding. Having enough, the two conceded, fluidly retracting their sharp edged weapons.

In they charged once more. The smaller, lither of the combatants was the more agile, gaining momentum and force with incredulous speed, swinging his saber in a narrow arc, in hopes to put an end to the match once and for all.

However, it was reactive that was this particular foe’s preferred stratagem. The knight’s two handed blade, considerably thicker than the youth’s blade, moved like a serpent’s strike, parrying and knocking aside the quick strike and maneuvered as if he were to counter.

The dark haired fighter kept his crusade onwards, neither flinching at the attack nor of what it would mean if it were to make impact. Svelte as the most skilled of spies, the footwork of the swordsman was so adept that he approached his foe head on with surprise that broke the simplicity of what was deemed ‘a reckless charge’.

Forward, never looking back, as if he were glancing toward tomorrow and the never-ending future he hoped to instill with joy for generations, the lavender eyed youth struck.

A rising diagonal swing slashed across the chest of the target, blood spilling as the flesh was pierced. It was the mark of success to the young warrior, almost as simultaneous as the darting thrust of his fellow man.

White, hot fire raced through his veins, the most intense of pain gripping his system, threatening to choke him in the hold of death. Dropping his sword, he gasped, the shocking feeling reaching outward with sudden spasms. Blood began to drip from his mouth, proof of the pain he felt as he literally vomited crimson, mimicking the stream that flowed from his side.

In mirroring aspect, the first to be wounded staggered as he fell, his wound much more fatal than that of which had befallen the quick-footed knight. The blade had fallen upon his body with speed and skill that it had pierced through the weakness of his bronze plate all entirely. But the older warrior had honor, enough that he would even sacrifice the last, vital minutes of his own life to wish kindness upon his enemy, “M..my, quite the courage you have there boy… please.. Do fulfill that wish of yours... I’ve no ill will towards you… Th-thanks...”

With that, the eyes of the one who had known nothing but fighting all his life glazed over… Passing his spirit from the world.

~~~
Fate seemed to work in an ironic way thought the survivor of the battle. As he lay there, face towards the sky, the idealistic youth contemplated. He coughed; bringing the stained visage of his stained gauntlet to wipe what he knew would be on his lips. Blood.
He didn’t realize it before, but the sight of the red maroon liquid made him sick to the deepest pits of his stomach.

His insides churned, his face crumpled in disgust… Knowing very well that the entire field that was under him had been tainted by it, and it was he, who had been responsible for the marring deed. He laughed aloud, seemingly like a madman as he berated himself, “Should I have to always fight?.. Cursed by the endless fate of mankind? If only….”

So there he was, on the ground among the corpses, for nigh several hours, drifted asleep.. In all honesty, he would’ve been left in peace, if not for the sudden impact against his leg.

Light colored eyes fluttered open, and a soft groan escaped as the youth struggled to sit up, finding the source of his ‘disruption’ to be a boot. Further more glancing with sleep filled eyes, the boot connected to a grass-stained pant leg and upward to the blonde haired grinning countenance of one of equal youth. Almost as if he were mocking the fallen knight, the newcomer prodded him once more with the toe of his leather boot, “Elliot, what happened to you man? You look like you got your spirit, oh so valiant and youthful, beat out of you and left to lament your burdens and die of pain and heartbreak!”

Annoyance flashed across the grounded swordsman’s face, Elliot managing a scowl in his wounded state at the friendly note of his condition, “Matthew, would you cut with your poetical nonsense, and help me?”

A lighthearted chuckle was his response, as the golden haired Matthew offered a battered glove to the displaced Elliot. With a heave, he pulled up the swordsman, steadying him so that he would lean against his shoulder as they trotted slowly toward the remains of their camp, Matthew refusing to give the wounded any rest at all. “So, who got you that good? Was it some general, or did you trip and fall on a spear?!”

“Go remove yourself from my sight and jump off a bridge. Now.” The darker haired of the two companions muttered, not at all amused at his ‘friend’s tirades.

“Awww… did Elliot have a bad experience on the roads of battle where passion, love, and courage mingle in an interminable torrent of cascading emotions and brutal justice?” teased Matthew once more with little sense, if not any at all.

“Why are you my friend again?”

“’Cause we grew up together and I’ve always been there to cheer you up?”

“Could you please stop doing that?”

“Not on your life buddy!”
~~~
A week later found the lovable duo of Elliot and Matthew traveling abroad, the two travelers seemed to be opposite counterparts of each other. One had restless dark hair that often hung before his face, and eyes an unnatural light shade, the other, with hair that shone like the sun and eyes as blue as the seas. A scowl crossed the darker haired youth’s face, whilst mirth and laughter filled the others.

“Ya’know… If you’re always with a moody expression like that, you’ll never find a girl, Elliot. Better perk up and embrace life to the fullest!” exclaimed the more exuberant of the pair.

“And become a tree hugging, flowery word using girl of a man like yourself?” mused Elliot out loud as he ambled on the dirt path. His stride was hindered, the wound on his side was only recognizable by the heavy wad of bandaging.

“Hey! I take that as an insult as well as the whole society of artists! But anyway, seriously, what’s up with you…? You seem a little moody nowadays… almost like…”

The darker haired of the duo slowed his step, his nature more solemn with the approach of the new topic, “It’s nothing really…”

“C’mon, you can tell me! That’s what best friends are for.” Came the cheerful, though less loud voice of the blonde soldier.

Sighing, Elliot gave in to Matthew’s prying, “You know what? I’m slowly getting tired, and sick of this fighting and war…. Around us, I see people dieing daily, either by blade or by sickness… Yet nothing is done to stop that, instead, we focus on building our power to smash each other for dominance… One of the soldiers I fought back there… He was an old man, probably in service out of duty rather than will, when I… killed him, he thanked me… asking me to fulfill my dream...”

Silence ensued from then, with even the normally chipper Matthew quiet as he took in the gravity of his friend’s words. It had been hard he admitted, keeping his own sanity and optimistic outlook of the world despite the conditions around them… If anything, the only thing that had kept both him and Elliot sustaining all these years was Elliot’s dream for a future of peace. And as his friend, Matthew had wholeheartedly pledged his support, a small smile gracing his lips as he gently nudged his friend, “Don’t worry about it man… We’ll get there, even if we have to tear through a thousand armies and save dozens upon dozens of princesses before we succeed. When we’re finally done, I’ll sit down and write poems and odysseys of our adventures!”

For the first time in awhile, Elliot smiled warmly, shaking his head in mock-frustration of Matthew’s plans for the future, “You’ll never stop being an idiot, will you?”

“You ‘betcha!" rang out the blonde’s answer as they continued ambling on their path.

~~~~~~~~~~

I've got more, but the limit sized got broken. x_x

Dusk
January 14th, 2006, 02:56 PM
Molto bene! I could see the story happening infront of me. Your very good at describing the characters and situations. For a moment I felt like drawing the first scene because it was so vivide. But of course, as they are your characters, it wouldn't be very good if I drew them. Even if you describe them so vividly, only the author can ever imagine their character the way they're supose to be^_^

I like the idea of two opposite characters being friends. Oddly enough this reminded me of my manga/story in the making. It's called 'Perfection' and they're trying to reach the thing that they consider perfect...but that doesn't really have anything to do with this.*cough* Anyways, I can't wait to read more of it! Make sure you RP whenever we get one started up. I have one that I've written the plot to...I've just been busy and haven't typed it up yet^_^;;

Van
January 14th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Is that, Italian I see? ^_^.

Thanks for the feedback, and as promised I'll post more segments. And I'd be delighted to RP with you as soon as things start.

Oh, and this next part has props to Kana for increasing the character size.

~~~

Act 1: A Brief Repose
Sorano, a good sized keep sat along the banks of a grand river that fed its foamy rapids straight to the overlying sea itself. Once a stronghold of a minor Lord, the fortress rose up with an astounding amount of settlement until it had become a flourishing town of sorts that catered travelers and tradesmen abroad.

In the city, it was ruled by a council of elected officials and nobles, such was the standard of the age. While normal men, women, and children worked and played, the distressing problems of socials and ethics were meticulously scrutinized by the governing body. It was bad enough that the nearly the whole world was at war, requiring constant reinforcement of arms, but the mounting pressure of the tumbling economy and decline of growth pressed not only Sorano, but many of the other towns as well.

~~~
One individual however, found time for recreation and a little fun in the midst of old men, politics, and mind-numbing debates. With long, hip length amber brown hair, she moved with the poise of a lady of a king’s court. Dazzling green eyes the hue of peridot, she danced with an unearthly grace wrapped in her satin dress. A mischievous smile played on that angelic face of the young woman as she quietly slipped out of the dull atmosphere of the meeting room.

“I’m sure no one will mind, a breathe of air will do me better than that stuffed room of arguing politicians any day.” Came her voice, soft, but firm with the practice of one well educated.

Scuffles, the shifting of feet and thud of sandals dashing frantically against the cobbled stone paths ended the solitude that the girl cloaked in blue enjoyed, alerting her that her vassals had most likely found of her ‘leave’. Pursing her lips in a frown, she hastily considered her options, “Hmm… I could run off, with no notice and enjoy myself with the possible risk of running into some stranger and being kidnapped, or I could let them find me, take me back to conference room and endure a few more hours before dieing by boredom. In that case, I’ll take the first one.”

And just as she planned, the daring noblewoman made her ‘escape’, which was really nothing more than a cunning run across the alley and doubling back to dupe her pursuers. A small smile of glee, and a quick look around was all she took before trotting outward from the full place, assimilating herself into the heart of Sorano: the marketplace.

Bustling with people, merchants and buyers alike, the marketplace was the center of any settlement. It was where men swapped stories and wares, while women haggled for prices from those out to make profits. One could find anything from vegetables to swords and mystic trinkets here, but the nature was the most unique quality anyone could find.

Meshed in the streams of people, were emotions run rampant. Anxiety, confidence, optimism, fear, depression, those and so much more were conveyed by the people of the city just by all being in the same place.

It was in this throng of activity, where goods and services were exchanged, that the woman who had fled wandered. From stall to stall she’d go, catching the eye of an array of brutish men, before floating away to avoid them. Under her breath, she berated herself not bothering to find a disguise, but shrugged off as it would’ve ruined the fun of the few hours she had before having to return. Darting quickly out of the sights of the drunks, and possibly her vassals, she made way toward the grassy meadow that marked the gates to the city.

~~~
Just as she thought that she had a successful flight from such unwanted attention, fate intervened as if to spite her wishes. It happened so fast, she had been ambling at an easy pace when all of a sudden, a heavy weight fell upon her, pressing her into the ground. Gasping, the woman reached with pale fingers to brush up against what had fallen on her, feeling the rough, slashed fabric of a mantle and the smooth metallic plate of armor. Immediately, she cried aloud, “What is this?! Is it my luck to be contradicted at every turn?”

The figure above her groaned equally, not just for the aggravation in his side, but the fate he knew he was to befall for he had done the most ungentlemanly deed possible: falling on top of a lady. Wincing, as if it pained him to open his eyes, they fluttered open slowly, the lavender spheres being exposed to the world around him… and a pair of narrowed, light green eyes. “Uh…um.. a pleasure to meet your acquaintance Miss?” he struggled to say, such was the intensity of the glare that radiated from the girl.

In response, the brown haired noblewoman emitted an expression of shock, realizing in extent of how old the youth who had clashed into her was. He was roughly her age, granted, if not for the armor, he’d be the same size as her, still, that surprise was short lived as she kept up her vigilant gaze and spoke with an icy tone, “You best have an explanation for this…”

“Y-you see… I was trying to run away from this guy when—“ the dark haired boy tried to say before being cut off as a loud exclamation canceled him out.

“Yo Elliot! What’re you doing?!” came the singsong, voice that disrupted the conversation of the two sprawled on the grassy field. The shout came from another youth, this one with flaxen hair and seaborne eyes, a suggestive smirk came to his countenance as he made light of the situation, prodding the dark haired young man, “Never mind, it seems like you’re quite enjoying yourself, no?”

A flushed rose up on the lavender eyed warriors face as he quickly tore himself off from his position and stood about face toward the blonde, mustering the most dark look he could, though the red around his face ruined most of the effect. “Matthew….. I’m going to hurt you for that… Severely.”

“C’mon man! Don’t be such a party killer, you know my advice would work! The inspiration of youth’s manifested itself in you my friend, live it out!” Matthew remarked, with as little sense as ever.

Then, turning to the damsel he had abruptly ran into, Elliot tried in vain to attempt to clear his name, lowering his head and gesturing towards the grinning idiot Matthew, “See? This is the guy I was running from before crashing into you… My sincerest apologies Miss..”

Still on the ground, the woman responded with equal condition to the teasing remark that had come from the newcomer. Cheeks a flamed, she struggled to keep the sharp, dignified tone she had earlier, “I-it’s fine…. Just tell me, why were you running from a friend of all people?”

Looking up, Elliot replied, “That’s the very reason… He’s too much of a friend, the two of us have just drifted into town from a massive battle out in the west… We’ve traveled for weeks, and at the first sight of civilization, Matthew here, got too giddy and began chasing me around town to do errands and other menial tasks that he deems ‘fun’.”

“I resent that you know! But, you gotta admit, my tips on attracting women seemed to work!” said Matthew, the ever cheerful soldier with a wink.

His face twisted into another scowl, Elliot tried his best to suppress his anger in front of someone he knew to be to no ordinary person, “Matthew!”

Her explanation received, the woman also looked up, getting a good luck at the youth who had crashed into her. Decked out in pale blue armor that was marred with stains of red and brown, and white breeches covered with the green of grass, his story of battle seemed to be true. Even more so, the state of his cloak, torn and ravaged in so many places and his hair, disheveled and strewn about served to solidify his claims. But the most elegant aspect of the warrior was not the sword he had strapped to his side, nor was it his unusual shade of eye color, it was the air that seemed to project from his very being… It was like a comforting embrace, as if he could assure the safety of all around him.

Also, it helped that she found him quite attractive. Flustered still from events prior, she tried to fix what had gone wrong, “Elliot and Matthew right? I suppose we should try and get reacquainted… I’m Luceiia Kruez.”

“Nice to meet you Miss Luceiia! A little word of forewarning, Elliot’s gotta a lot of spirit, so be careful around him, as his best friend, I’ve known him far too long to not be able to get a gist of how he acts: moody and ill-tempered.” said Matthew, once more cutting in and taking a jab at his unfortunate dark haired companion.

Sighing, the lavender eyed swordsman gave in, diverting his attention from the blonde knight towards the Luceiia, offering a hand and slight smile, “Likewise, I’m sorry for the incident, I’d understand if you’d prefer to leave and have nothing to do with neither us, especially him.”

Luceiia struggled to stifle her laughter, flashing the duo a radiant smile as she accepted Elliot’s hand and was soundly pulled back on her feet. The satin clothed girl didn’t seem to bear much ill towards them, surprisingly since one of them had run her down earlier. Truly, she had to be some sort of a Saint, as instead of reprimanding the two, she invited them along, “Hah! As if, you two are quite the eccentric pair, perhaps you’d have a number of epics and tales to tell me, as well as those stuffy old men in conference.”

“Wha….? Conference?” Elliot started, mouth agape as his hand began to twitch as if he dreaded such things.
“Old fogeys?!” Matthew continued, in equal disarray as he tried to piece his words together… “Does this mean…we’re going to have to….”

As if she were smirking, the long haired noblewoman nodded in satisfaction, delighted that she had hit nerves with her proposal. To seal the deal, she opted to play a guilt trip, literally, “Come now boys, after all, you both did just run in to me… The least you could do is escort me back and be my guests.” A pleading smile, complete with a pout was all it took.

That said, Luceiia turned on her heel and started back toward the heart of the city, certain that the two would follow them, nonchantedly humming with her hands folded. Things were going to be so fun when they got back she thought with a bright countenance.

Such was the folly of men and honor.

Elliot groaned as he ambled after her, dragging Matthew along with him as well, “Why? Why do you always get us mixed up in these things?! I hate conferences!”

“Conferences? Elliot! There’s going to be old guys around!!!! They give me the creeps!” whined Matthew, totally oblivious to the plight of his best friend.

zidane alare
February 13th, 2006, 05:03 PM
this is realy long i dont have time to read can you make it smaller and have recaps like
last episode (name) GOT A WIFE and so on and so forth

plz

Van
February 28th, 2006, 10:14 PM
this is realy long i dont have time to read can you make it smaller and have recaps like
last episode (name) GOT A WIFE and so on and so forth

plz

I'm sorry dude, but that's why stories are written. So that people actually read them.. I don't see any books or even fanfics out there that have summaries at the end of their chapters.

I'm sorry if it seems a little intimidating, but if you actually start to read it and get into the rhythm, you may find yourself reading the whole thing without even noticing.